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 Got jokes son 
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Joined: Thu Feb 25, 2010 12:37 am
Posts: 192
Post Re: Got jokes son
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


Fri Mar 12, 2010 7:58 pm Profile
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Joined: Sat Mar 13, 2010 9:56 am
Posts: 88
Post Re: Got jokes son
A man comes home from work early and catches his wife in bed with another man. "What are you doing?" asked the husband.
"See?", said the wife to her partner in bed, "I told you he was stupid."


Sat Mar 13, 2010 2:32 pm Profile
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Joined: Tue Mar 02, 2010 1:44 pm
Posts: 536
Location: Largo, FL
Post Re: Got jokes son
What Gives?

An old hippie dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks him up in his big book and says, “I’m sorry, but you’ll be going down to Hell.” The hippie, astounded, peers through the gates and sees God walking in the distance.

“God!” he says. “What gives? Remember that time I was tripping on acid? I saw you, and you said we’d be in Heaven together forever!”

God thought for a minute, then said, “Oh yeah, but I was drunk.”
:P :lol:

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Far better it is to look at the universe for what it really is rather then persisting in delusion, however reassuring

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Sat Mar 13, 2010 9:18 pm Profile WWW
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Joined: Sat Mar 07, 2009 1:26 am
Posts: 325
Post Re: Got jokes son
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look pretty?

Put a nipple on it..


Sat Mar 13, 2010 11:16 pm Profile
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Joined: Sat Mar 21, 2009 9:23 pm
Posts: 721
Location: Huger, SC
Post Re: Got jokes son
Well, you know, things' been goin' kinda' rough. Mama went'n got her face lift she's been wantin' though. But it looks like I'm going to have to pay for it. The doctor came in and said "I've got good news and great news."
She said "Well, what's that?"
He said "The face lift went perfect. Plus, I had enough skin left over to make you a pair of boots."

Straight from The Marty Stuart Show, his guest tonight:
http://www.themikesnider.com

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Some folks don't believe in God. That's OK, God believes in you.


Sat Mar 13, 2010 11:30 pm Profile
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Posts: 536
Location: Largo, FL
Post Re: Got jokes son
That would be an interesting pair of boots. :)

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Far better it is to look at the universe for what it really is rather then persisting in delusion, however reassuring

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Sun Mar 14, 2010 12:49 am Profile WWW
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Joined: Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:04 am
Posts: 973
Location: Philly
Post Re: Got jokes son
so superman is flying around checking things out.
He flys over the gulf of mexico and sees aquaman. they smoke some sea weed and he flys off.
Then he sees batman and robin and they ask him into the bat cave for a few drinks.
later he sees flash and they share a few lines.
by now he is a little tipsy and
he sees wonder woman lying naked on her roof top.
since he hasnt been laid in a while, he thinks he can fly in there, do his thing and leave before wonder woman knew what hit her.
he is feeling confident, so he fly's in there........bang, boom, wham and takes off.

"wow that was awesome" he says to himself as he flys off.
wonder woman says "what the hell was the"
the invisible man replys
"i dont know but my ass sure huts"

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Mon Mar 15, 2010 7:42 pm Profile
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Joined: Wed Feb 17, 2010 6:23 pm
Posts: 230
Location: Evanstucky,IN
Post Re: Got jokes son
mike12859 wrote:
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."


"Third - There's a 60-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."



The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
________________________________________

________________________________________

IT WAS A SILVERBACK GORILLA WHEN i DID IT.

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Everything you really need can be found digging in your dirty clothes hamper.
(this insight came to me spontaneously this morning)


Mon Mar 15, 2010 11:45 pm Profile
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Posts: 7175
Location: Brandon, Florida
Post Oh, Belvedere, come heah, boy!
I know a rancher who has 100 head of cattle. He thought he only had 99 until he rounded them up.

Tony the yodeling Shetland pony won’t perform tonight. He’s a little hoarse.

I need to get this 2000-pound package from NY to LA overnight. What are my options?

==Well, there is Norfolk & Waypal, a coast-to-coast railroad.
Can you really get it there on time?
==Absolutely, positively. There’s Norfolk & Waypal; we are going to do it.

A guy woke up to find a car on top of his head. He was tired and exhausted.

I was homeless for a while, but I didn’t want anybody to know, so I slept in front of a Ticketmaster.

We have been trying to name our Jewish-Chinese baby, but so far the best we have been able to come up with is Cha Ching.

And the ever-popular: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs…
In a mailbox? Bill
In a hole? Phil
In a fireplace? Woody
While it’s lit? Bernie
After it’s out? Ash
On a grill? Frank
On stage? Mike
In a pool? Bob
With a flat tire? Jack
In church? Neil
In the exercise room? Jim
At Victoria’s Secret? Teddy
Holding up a bank? Rob
At the coffee shop? Joe
At the garden store? Pete
Hanging on the wall? Art
On the front porch? Matt
In a pile of leaves? Russell
In the bathroom? John
Flying over a fence? Homer
In a cracker box? Graham
On his head in the endzone? Spike
Floating in the ocean? Cale
On the front yard all night? Dewey
Just pretending to have no arms and no legs? Josh
What do you call TWO men with no arms and no legs hanging over a window?
Curt ‘n’ Rod

What do you call a lady with one leg? Eileen
What do you call a Chinese lady with one leg? Irene

scott hopkins

_________________
"Bring the band on down behind me, boys." -- FZ

"Remember: music is a religion. You have to pray every day."
-- Jose' Luis "Cheo" Pardo, Los Amigos Invisibles


Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:40 am Profile
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Location: Brandon, Florida
Post Little Johnny
Little Johnny, at it again

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.” Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

_________________
"Bring the band on down behind me, boys." -- FZ

"Remember: music is a religion. You have to pray every day."
-- Jose' Luis "Cheo" Pardo, Los Amigos Invisibles


Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:42 am Profile
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